I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
