Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
