Will you blow on my dice?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
