I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
