No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
