Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
