but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
