K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
