why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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