I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Sorry my hands just texted you
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
