I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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