I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
