Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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