If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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