I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
