What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
