If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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