bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
