At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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