There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
