Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
