Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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