I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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