sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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