I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
