but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
