Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
