So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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