I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
