i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
