I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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