Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
