apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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