I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
