apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
