Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
