I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
