I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
