I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
