I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
