before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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