I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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