I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
