I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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