My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
How external is "for external use only"?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
