the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm really busy with my period
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