Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
