i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
