hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
