don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
